My son and Other Thoughts

I used to think I was a great mom. Once I had divorced my youngest daughters father I thought my kids and my life would be perfect. I would compare my 3 kids to my sisters 3 and think “Thank God I have trained my kids better than that.” Then one day, I got the surprise of a lifetime. The State HHS people showed up at my door and informed me that I was unfit to care for my son. (The only one of my three still at home.. well when I could get him to come home.) I explained to them all the difficulties I was having with him, the running away, the threatening to run away if i made him come home, the bad grades, the stealing, the lying, the sleeping with a girl 2 years older than him (he was 15 at the time), the verbal and emotional abuses (At one point I had to lock myself in my room because I thought he was going to attack me physically.) I explained that I was moving to a friends’ to find work so I could better my sons and my life. All they heard was that I had met a man online and was moving to be with him possibly putting my son in harm’s way. Then came the day they took him away from me, with the goal being re-unification of course. Never mind the fact that he simply refused to obey the house rules. Hey you wont feed your dog I’m not cooking for you. Make your own dinner. You dont want to do your chores, dont expect me to clean up after you. But apparently the parent is not allowed to refuse to serve the child. The parent is the adult and therefore must be in control at all times no matter that the child has (undiagnosed at the time) Bipolar, is borderline ADHD (also undiagnosed at the time). Never mind that every thing the parent does or tries to do is met with absolute resistance on all fronts. So they took him away, despites letters and testimony from friends and family that proved over and over that he was the one with the problems not me. Then came HHS’s demands. I would have supervised visitation with my son twice a week. I would call my son and write him letters on a regular basis. Then one day there was a meeting with his caseworker and his therapist. My son handed me a list of things he would require before he would consider moving back in with me. Whoa wait one minute there buckeroo. Since when did a now 16 year old child get to dictate where I would live and work and what i would provide him with? The caseworker and therapist agreed with my sons demands. And when I began to shake with anger that these women were going to allow my son to dictate terms to me they couldnt figure out why I was so upset. So I told them all in simple plain easy to follow English. “I AM going to go to Wisconsin and begin my life over. I AM going to get back on my feet again despite what any one else in this room thinks or feels about the idea.” and proceeded to leave the room. Well, my goodness how dare I? Sometime later at one of the mandatory visits with my son he became verbally and emotionally abusive again and i shut him down and shut him out. He and the homeworker left shortly thereafter and I documented the visit including the abuse. Still the courts ordered that I would have all these visitations and phone calls with my son. Except that now everytime he saw me he became verbally abusive and began including my family and friends in his abuse. So I stopped calling. He wanted to talk fine. But the minute he started in on me I hung up. And this they tell me is why I am unfit to be a parent to my child. Because I refused to allow him to abuse me in whatever fashion he found entertaining. Now when he calls or texts me I dont let him start. He started in on my Master at one point and I just simply told him, “Stop or I will hang up now. You may not disrespect me or my friends anymore. I dont do it to yours whatever my feelings about them are.”
The thing I am trying to wrap my head around is how by setting limits that noone in the legal system would enforce made me a bad parent. Now that they have begun having all sorts of trouble with him they want me to take him back. The foster parents have stated they cant control him. So give him back to mom. The State cant control him, but mom cant have him back so lets find another foster family he can ride roughshod over.
Hey guys guess what? Mom isnt stupid. Mom isnt taking him back. Mom knows better. I just dont understand though, how did I end up with a child who no matter who does what to help him, refuses to be swayed off his path of self destruction? Doesnt any of the people supposedly protecting him understand that I love him enough to allow him to face the consequences of his misdeeds? How else is he ever going to learn that you cannot steal, lie or hurt people and get away with it? Now that he’s 18 if he does something illegal he should have to go to jail just like anyone else would. And because I feel that way I guess I am a bad parent.

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