April 27th, 2009

Well, its the big day. I’m nervous as hell but but trying to keep a stiff upper lip and all that. I’m savoring my last cup of coffee for the next few hours. Once it hits 6:30 am I cant have anything to drink. Why is it we always seem to crave most what we cant have? Anyway, so I will be gone for a few days. I hate it that my life will be all topsy-turvy for a while. I like my routine and my routine is a mess right now. I dont suppose I can add surgery to my hard limits… sigh. I tried to explain what I feel like to Master last night. But, I don’t know if i was able to convey the absolute dread I feel. Not that I am scared of anything happening to me in the surgery. It’s just that this is my 3rd major surgery and I remember what the last 2 felt like. I hate the anesthesia. I hate that I will be so out of it that something has to breathe for me. I hate that I have no control over whats going to happen once I’m out. I hate that half-waking thing you go through coming out from under the anesthesia. Maybe this is why I sucked at being a druggie and a drunk lol. I cant stand anything that impairs my ability to think and function on my own. Hmmmm… now that I think about it that could be why I don’t seem to lose control during play sessions much either. I might have a fantastic orgasm but my brain is still all there when it happens. Well, It’s time to hop in the shower and get this show on the road. See you all in a few days.

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